The Joy of Braces

At one point I had to have my wire adjusted because the last bracket on the right side came off. The loose chunk of metal was flopping around and all my other teeth felt like they were being tugged to the left. Very odd feeling.

We visited the home of our small group leaders from church. Looking at the carpet in their beautiful living room, a strangely perverse thought occurred to me. Could a person get the prongs of their braces stuck in a carpet like that? Wouldn’t that be embarrassing? If one had both upper and lower brackets and fell just right (or just wrong), could you tangle yourself so badly that your mouth was not only stuck but clamped shut? Wouldn’t that be awful? You couldn’t even cry for help. “MMM-MMMM.”  “MMMmmm-MMMMMmmmMM!” Then again, you might not want to call for help.

Then, being a writer, I thought, maybe a murderer could use carpets as a way to capture and imprison victims with braces. Wouldn’t that make a great murder mystery? Of course the media would call him the “Carpet Bagger.” In reality, he’s a mad orthodontist who collects fees up front and then murders his clients to avoid endless follow-up treatments. (Maybe, I shouldn’t have prepaid for my braces.)

Taking a walk one brisk afternoon, I was amused to feel the wire across my teeth actually contract when I breathed that invigoratingly-cool air in through my mouth.

I got to thinking about it. I wondered if you used a violin bow across the wire, what kind of music would you create? Of course it could only be heard by dogs and fruit flies, but that’s beside the point. Could you change the pitch by changing the temperature of the wire? You’ve heard of Cold Stone Creamery? This is Cold Tooth Violinery.

I had my braces installed shortly before Christmas. If you need braces, I suggest that the best time to install them is as soon as you can, the sooner to have them removed after treatment is finished. But you should make an exception for feasting holidays like Christmas or Thanksgiving.

When I first got the braces on my lower teeth, the doctor installed bite blockers to keep me from knocking my lower brackets off. It reduced my entire grinding surface to the size of a match head on both sides. I’ve never spent so much time chewing – or rather, hole-punching – my food.

We visited my parents’ home in Idaho that Christmas. Fortunately, I found I could survive on mashed potatoes and gravy (although probably not well into my nineties).